One Baby Step at a Time

     The last time I wrote was nearly four months ago. I wrote about not letting my experience die. I wrote about keeping this blog going and not letting myself lose the connection my heart had to Africa. It was well written, heartfelt and very inspiring (If I do say so myself)

So, why did it take another 4 months to write ANYTHING????

     It has nothing to do with not "feeling it". Nothing to do with "losing it". Nothing to do with not being "motivated"... In fact it has everything to do with the opposite.

     It has been 5 months since I have been home, almost to the day. It is an understatement to say that I feel it. A laughing matter to say that it is something I could have forgotten or lost sight of. Crazy to say that I am ok with sitting back and watching life go by.

     In fact, I feel it more than ever.
     It lives with me each day.
     And I am totally moved to carry out my mission.

Unfortunately though, the time I have been home has been the hardest span of my life...

      Because I felt it, I didn't want to feel much else. Because I was afraid to lose it, I lost a bit more of everything else each day. Because I was afraid of not staying motivated, I felt more stressed and immobile than ever before. The last 5 months has been some of the most challenging months of my life, and because I couldn't describe it... I haven't written.

     You know how the rest goes...
I decide I can't explain it, I might as well not talk about it.
Since I'm not utilizing the things I need to do to "release" I keep taking on other things to "fill the void"
I take on too much and I'm stressed out
I'm stressed so I am in a bad mood
My bad mood leads to not wanting to do anything
Not wanting to do anything leads to not really wanting to get out of bed in the morning
Not wanting to get out of bed leads to feeling like I am worthless.
Another word to describe that feeling is Depressed...
THEN I pretend I'm ok and the vicious cycle continues.

So what does that lead me to? An unfeeling, unconnected, unmotivated person with the EXACT opposite intentions.

     I haven't fallen off the deep end. I haven't been sitting around waiting for the worst to happen. I haven't been worthless at all, But that's the way I felt.
I still did incredible things, I still was a good person, I still smiled and laughed... It just didn't carry me very far.
I prayed through it, I talked to people about it, and I continued to serve people. I just didn't feel a change within ME.

     Today, for whatever reason as I sat down to watch Grey's Anatomy, God gave me the strength to write. He gave me the sense of peace to type my fingers and release how I have felt. He gave me a sense of freedom at this moment that I can get through this funk with Him by my side...

     I don't know if what I have explained has made sense to anyone else, but it is a MILESTONE for me. Logging in to this blog that has been a click away for 5 months is a milestone. Giving myself a chance to feel, express and move forward is a milestone. Today's freedom from this unexplainable feeling that has been attached to my every movement is milestone.

BUT, from now on... I've decided to take baby steps :)

     I don't know when I will feel depressed again. I don't know when I will write a blog entry again. I'm not sure I will ever make the two worlds I experienced collide.

I do know that God is telling me to trust Him and to take one baby step at a time.

SO until next time,

                 Gaby

What A Song Can Do

This song is one that carries SO MANY emotions for me.

It has always been a favorite of mine, but Africa made it mean even more to me.

It was a song that changed my trip in such a drastic way when I heard it while I was away, and now I can’t keep a dry eye when I hear it at home.

My goal, my mission, and my dream is to live out what this song talks about and I wanted to share it as a reminder, or even a little motivation to live today with such purpose.

My life is a light for Your cause

My will laid aside for Your call

And reserved are the depths of my heart

Only for You

I'm caught in the rhythms of grace

They overcome all of my ways

Realigning each step everyday

To live for Your glory

There's none beside You God

There's none beside You God

You're there in the dark of the night

While holding the sun and it's light

Through the triumph and trials alike

There's no-one beside You

Your voice called the stars by their name

'Cause You whispered them all to their place

To testify to Your wonder and praise

Both now and forever

There's none beside You God

There's none beside You God

I live my life to shine Your light

'Cause there's none beside You God

No eye has seen

No ear has heard

The depths of Your love, Lord

No mind can fathom

The love You deserve

How great You are

Hillsong United- Rhythms of Grace

This song is one of such admiration and adoration of God.

Today my heart sings this song to Him.

My Mission?

It has been 4 weeks since I’ve been home! Time feels like its in fast-forward. If anyone has the key to slowing it down, please let me know!

My trip FLEW by, and now even my time home as been moving in full speed. I have made the decision, commitment, resolution (or whatever you want to call it) to keep this blog going, updating on a weekly basis in order to share more of the incredible amount of things I learned and experienced over my trip, as well as personally keeping myself close to that precious time I was blessed with in Africa.

Many Mission books and devotionals talk about the time after, the “return”, to be the biggest part of the mission. One book I read said, “The real mission starts when you get home.” To be honest I just thought it was some way to pump you up for the return…

Home? Back to constant electricity and running water? THAT is the real part of the mission?

Home. Back to my friends, my loved ones and my iPhone? THAT is supposed to be the hardest part?

It didn’t make sense to me when I was there.

 I understood that it was going to be difficult to get back in the swing of things. I assumed I would miss Africa so much it hurt. However, I never saw it fit to say that the GREATEST MISSION of my mission trip was returning to a place I know, to people I know, a culture and a language I was born into.

BUT… they were right.

HOME. IS. HARD

There is no way to get my point across in words, because it only seems to make sense to me in my own head.

Here’s a shot at it though:

Think about going to the place of your dreams. A place you just KNOW you belong in. In this place you are the person you have always wanted to be. You are freed      from your fears; you are released from any bondage that holds you down. You are bold in this place and each way you turn there is a new experience calling out your name. Imagine this place to have few circumstances or things stealing your attention away from what matters. This place is filled with love and joy, and YOU get to take part in it. A place where God seems to appear to you clear as day… Just imagine.

Sure, you will experience some real trials in this place. You may get lost in order to find yourself in the way you’ve always needed to. You may get a few bumps and bruises in the discovery of the new sights, sounds and encounters you face. You may experience a feeling of deep loneliness or even emptiness in the process of being filled up by God, BUT in this place each hurtle turns into beauty, strength and another reason to have faith…

From August 13^th to November 17^th I experienced “that place”.

I spent one month in Kenya, a place that redefines “HOME” to me. I feel a sense of belonging in Kenya, and my extended time there this year truly showed me the Gaby I long to be… and in Kenya she fits in quite well.

“That place” also took the form of another African country called Zimbabwe. A place of renewal, new found hope, and serious spiritual growth. I saw God clearer, I heard Him louder, and I felt Him more intensely than ever before over the two months in Zimbabwe.

NOW… I am home.

Back to the earthly worries and distractions. Back to a place of constant business and what I like to call “Rich people problems”. Back to the same temptations, trails, and, for lack of a better term, CRAP that stared me in the face before I went to that beautiful place God sent me to.

I long to feel what I felt there. I desire to have that time I got to spend with the Lord. I dream of living the lifestyle where HE is all that matters without so many things trying to tell me different.

It’s a mission in itself, but I am on the road to discovering how to take the person I was in that place and be the woman of God I am called to be here!

Life at home isn’t easy. Life at home doesn’t feel right. Life at home is not life in Africa, but I’m on a mission…

What Am I Supposed to Feel?

There are many journal entries and stories written over the past couple weeks that I will post soon, but right now I am currently sitting in the airport in South Africa, on my way back home after 14 weeks away … and I am speechless, and honestly a mess. I am so overwhelmed I can’t quite decide what it is that I am feeling at a given moment and it leaves me numb to what is going on, like the world is going on while I’m at a standstill. I guess I pictured myself feeling different. I didn’t see this coming…

I can’t believe it’s over, just like that! All the kids I have bonded with in both countries, the amazing people I have lived life with from both missions, and the months of “Just Gaby and God time”… it’s over. I am sitting at a really nice airport drinking coffee with Wi-fi and automatic flushing toilets, in a matter of hours the adjustment is already in action… I’m on my way home!

The oddest part about this is that I feel TOTALLY out of place. I am so uncomfortable. My life as I knew it for 3 months is beginning it’s dramatic shift to something so incredibly different. I fear the change in some ways, because I found myself in a different way in Africa. I got to know a completely new side of me, one I really like, and that finally feels right! I was uncomfortable at many times through the trip, but the feeling of knowing I was EXACTLY where God wanted me is a feeling that is truly incomparable. Just when I was getting comfortable with living a totally different way, I’m thrown into another huge change!

There’s beauty in this though, over the course of the last 3 months I have been able to truly see how God uses my uncertainty, my instability, and even my fear to bring so much beauty out of it. I am confident that this is not the end of the good, but another beginning of exciting change! I may not feel it at this moment (I literally feel like I am dreaming), but I have learned just how close God is, just how much He cares, and just how intimately and intricately formed His plans are for my life. I thought I knew that before this trip, but I’m continuing to find out so much more.

I am not sure what I am feeling. I have no idea how to act on it, I  don’t even know what it will be like in 20 minutes, but I know I can put my faith, my hope, and my life in the hands of God, He will make the way clear… regardless of my feelings.

Just some thoughts at the moment…

(As I sit here next to a man who I fear may cough up a lung and blow a hole through his handkerchief and wonder why he chose to sit RIGHT next to me when there are 8 completely open benches at the gate) 

MOVE

I’m in Africa?!! There’s still days I wake up amazed that this is reality. I’ve dreamt of doing something like this, and now it is really happening!! It’s been happening for over 12 weeks actually.

I officially have just 2 weeks left in this beautiful continent. It is so bittersweet. I miss my loved ones at home a crazy amount, and can’t wait to hug my family, sit on my couch with my roommates, and go to dinner somewhere they don’t serve Sadza with my boyfriend!!  But when I think about not waking up in Africa each day, prepared to go out on the mission field and serve in the ways that make my heart explode with joy, it totally bums me out.

I’m so lucky to be given this opportunity, and blessed beyond belief to be able to make it a reality. I don’t forget to thank God each day I wake up here (even though I have had the days I would prefer to be in MY bed with a Starbucks) cause I know this is truly a gift and an experience that is changing my life as we speak. (As I type?)

Physically, this trip has taken me through so many places and experiences. It has taken me through Kenya where I served with CCP in the Kawangware slum for a month. I experienced the people, the culture, new sights, tastes and places. Then to Zimbabwe, where I am serving now alongside ADMT, not too far from Kenya, but a whole new place, new people, new sights and a new culture.

My body has been through it all...  Being crammed in the public transportation vans with at least 20 others. Using a “toilet” that doesn’t actually contain a toilet. Walking for miles and miles through slums and rural areas. Being ATTACKED by mosquitoes and other little creatures. Eating things I never new existed and rejecting them in ways I didn’t know possible by my body.

I have been to schools, to clinics, to community centers, to churches and hundreds of homes. I have been pulled and tugged on from every which way by tons of  beautiful children. My eyes have seen the beauty in a place that so many will never have the opportunity to see. I have worshiped and danced till my legs burn with exhaustion. I have held babies in my arms that have brought me an incredible amount of joy. I have shared hugs and laughter with people I will never forget. I have held hands in prayer with others who have forever changed my life…

Spiritually, my heart has been through even more! I’ve felt passion for the work being done that is greater than any type of passion I’ve ever had. I have been moved in such powerful ways that have brought me to my knees in tears. I have witnessed and felt God clearer than ever before. I have learned to trust Him in EVERYTHING, big or small. I have had the opportunity to be still, and to hear His voice speak.
            My heart has broken with what breaks His, and my soul has rejoiced with what brings Him joy.  I’ve changed the way I pray, and the way I willing seek God’s will for every area of my life. I have experienced the peace that surpasses understanding, the great, unfathomable love that hung on that cross, and the comfort that can only come from the One who knows my every worry and thought.

Spiritually, I have been transformed through the power of prayer, the surrender of my life and the truth that lies in God’s word…

OHHH AFRICA!!!

As you can see this has been a journey of enormous growth in so many ways. And, now that my time away is in it’s final weeks, I find myself reflecting on the question, “What’s next?”… I am wrapping up my time here and then it’s back to America, back to the routine, back to “reality”…

So what am I going to do with this? How will I use this growth, this experience, and this intimacy with God?  How will I express this passion, these feelings, and this transformation which has taken place? ... What's next?

Of course I have this ambition to want to change the entire world once I return. It’s a crazy one, but I love it! I love that I have the passion, the desire, and the “don’t let anything get in the way” type mentality. As I sit here, I have so much confidence in it. I know that God can use this experience for something huge, and I’m completely certain that He is asking me to….

            You know these experiences. The ones that touch our hearts so deep we say we can NEVER forget them. We say they will forever change our lives. We get high on life over the impact they have on us and we are so driven by them…Driven to change. Driven to move forward. Driven to accomplish something incredible. We all have had them!! 

For some it was those experiences that started their organizations, their book, their movement or even their relationship with God. For others, it's a different story (I'm guilty). We can remember those feelings, those emotions, and that drive like it was yesterday. But, as we reflect we realize we let “life” get in the way. We let being “busy” take over. We let “reality” diminish the burning flame that God ignited in us through our experiences.

            It’s not an easy thing to admit, but many can relate... The high school “camp high” that fades with peer pressure and homecoming court. The moving and inspiring church sermon, which gets thrown on the back-burner when problems arise in our homes. The life-changing short term mission trip experience that moves to a memory as summer ends and research papers begin… it happens to us all.

           This is why my prayers now are for my "What's next?"

I know at this point I have a decision to make. I can choose to go home and slip right back into the way of life and the routine day-to day I know best. OR, I can choose to starting moving! I can choose to let this experience change everything through what God has shown me. I can choose to FULFILL His call for my life with boldness and passion.

God has spoken to me clearly, He has moved in me passionately, and He has transformed me spiritually.... AND I WILL MOVE!

          I don't know exactly how it looks yet, but as I spend my last weeks in Africa, I will continue to seek, listen and wait upon the Lord. I will be open, willing and trusting with what He has in store.

          And as I prepare for my return home, I will be filled with passion, with purpose and with every intention to use this experience to fulfill God's will for my life.

         Don't choose to stay still when God is giving you the call to move. 

Take the experiences God gives you and be impacted. 

Be transformed. Be driven. Be passionate. Be willing…

 Then MOVE!!

Special!

** I wrote this entry exactly 2 weeks ago, just minutes before I left for the village. I didn't have  proper Internet connection at the time to send it, but better late then never right?**

     I am currently sitting in my room here in Harare, preparing to take off for the next week back to the village of Mhondoro. I have my bags packed, my camera charged, and my craft supplies ready. I'm writing now, because I can't seem to contain what I am feeling as I am about to leave. I'm so excited to be back in the village! I have planned a lesson for the kids of Marigumura Primary School and in preparing for it, my heart is being transformed! (Seems to be a trend)

     My teaching topic for the week is, "Created eSpecially for God"... It may sound a bit on the cheesy- Sunday School side, but this is what God has put on my heart to share with these kids. We will be focusing on scripture such as Psalm139 and Ephesians 2:10. Teaching them that THEY were made for such a promising purpose. They were formed to live a life filled with an incredible amount of hope and love from our God. That they are all different, set apart, and unique, because God made them that way. He has a plan for each of their lives, and He makes NO mistakes. THEY are God's handiwork, the same God who created the Heavens and the Earth created them without flaw or imperfection... How amazing is that!

     As I plan activities such as looking at the difference in each of our fingerprints, and ways to see how our unique traits and features can be used for God's glory, it sparks intense emotions inside of my heart...

     I have a HUGE passion for children. I see so much beauty in children, and ultimately I see God the most through the face of a child. I have been surrounded by so many children throughout this trip, and each one I meet is SO special to me! But, I think remembering through this lesson how special they are to God makes me even more passionate to be with them and teaching them.
They were formed with such detail and intricate design. They were brought into this world with more purpose than I can fathom, to accomplish things so great that I will never be able to understand. They will be used to continue to transform lives for God's kingdom, as they already have mine. How blessed I am to be able to speak into their lives this week...

     These kids may lack money, they make lack the proper amount of food per day, but they don't lack purpose! They don't lack promise! They don't lack the ability to change this world! They are PERFECT in the eyes of God, and they are so darn special. They were fearfully and wonderfully made, and each one so different than the next. Each one was knit together in their mother's womb. Each one has works prepared in advance. Each one a beautiful result of God's amazing craftsmanship.

     I'm heading out to tell these children how important, how special, and how incredibly loved they are by God, and I'm STOKED!


Remember today the child of God YOU are. Remember that you were created for a purpose... YOU, the way you are! He took time to design and equip you with the exact tools you need to fulfill the purpose He has for your life... and it's a beautiful one. YOU are his handiwork, and YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made!


Psalm 139:14 " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

** My time in the village and at the school was incredible! The lesson went so well, and it was an experience I will never forget, because in turn I learned so much from these beautiful children. I grew more passionate about the work of the Lord and the works He has prepared for me along the way... Check out the pictures from our craft together :)**

Is Your Light Shining?

Matthew5: 14-16

“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it gives light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I’ve heard this scripture multiple times. I’ve learned lessons on it, even remember a Sunday School song that goes along with it, and especially being involved with the mission field, this is a common scripture that has come up. I read it before leaving for Africa last year and even again in the “getting prepared” stages of my trip this year… Wednesday evening I have Bible study here in Zimbabwe with a group from the church. The topic this week was on this familiar Matthew 5 passage. We read discussed and shared about the verses, it was good, and similar to things I’ve heard before. However, as I tried to go to sleep that night I was kept up thinking about this scripture. I’ve heard it a hundred times. I’ve memorized the verses. But, that particular night it had such a different effect on me. I REALLY thought about it. I REALLY took the time to reflect on it. I REALLY let it change my whole perspective.

The question I was left with after reflecting on this passage was, “Is my light shining?” Not flickering. Not just lit while I serve at church. Not dim, doing the bare minimum to say there is a flame there… Is it SHINING?

In the scripture a candle is used as comparison. I’ve had a lot of experience with candles while I’ve been in Africa, due to the unpredictable, lack of electricity situation. Do you realize how much light a single candle can give off? (Go turn all the lights off in your house and light a tall candle) I find the candle in my room here is better than the flashlight I packed. The flashlight is bright, sure, but only where I am pointing it. The candle sits in the corner of my room and gives light to the entire space…     Is that ME? Is my faith radiating throughout, able to bring light to all that is around me? What if I'm faced with persecution around me? What if I’m completely unfamiliar with what is around me? What if where I am isn’t safe or comfortable? Is my light still shining? What about when I’m tired? Upset? In pain? Is my faith radiating? A candle which is not lit is useless. A candle flickering in and out is hard to rely on. A dim flame is not very effective. A candle is meant to shine bright...

Do you realize how big of a responsibility the Lord is giving us here? Do you also realize that He wouldn’t put this task in front of us if we weren’t capable of doing it? We are capable of doing so much for the kingdom of God, simply by letting our faith shine bright in all we are doing, to everyone around us. To some, we may be the only real representation of Jesus they see, we don't want to take the chance of being dim or without flame as we pass those people. Your life as well as mine is capable of doing so much! The way you shine at home, reflects the way your children see the Lord. The way you shine at work, can speak into the life of a lost co-worker. The way you shine as you go about your day, could change the life of a complete stranger. The way you shine on the mission field could change something around the world...

With that said, we need to recognize that things will come in and try to extinguish our flame. For me, it is fear… Fear that I am not good enough, old enough, or wise enough to make a difference. It could be pain, bitterness, temptations, unbearable weight from our pasts, addictions, etc. There is an enemy constantly trying to put out our lights through these things. Let us pray against them constantly and stand firm when the enemy creeps in with such burdens. Let us give NO THING a chance to dim our lights. We are to be bold in our faith, without shame. Courageous, without fear. Willing to put ourselves out there, for the glory of God.. and then let's see how He will shine through us.

All of this to say, as Christians, we are called to live lives that are testimonies of who God is to the world around us. We are capable of changing the world through how we live our lives in faith. We can be great examples of Christ's love, grace and mercy. If we allow our lights to shine, God will use us in MIGHTY ways… I'm confident in that!

 Is your light shining?

Thursday morning I was asked to speak at the Zimbabwe Christian College chapel. We’re talking a school full of soon to be pastors, ALL older than me. I wasn’t the calmest version of myself  preparing for it. I had tried to prepare a short message all week. I was set on speaking on a topic from one of the books I am reading, and I just had to add a final point to finish it off Wednesday night. I couldn’t come up with ONE WORD as I sat in front of my computer trying to finish. I prayed and asked God to just give me the words, “It is the night before, give me something!” What I felt was Matthew 5. “No, I can’t re-do what I have already planned,” it was 11 pm! But after staring at my computer getting nowhere, I decided to write a few notes about what I  just learned that night  from Matthew 5:14-16. I ended up typing a short encouraging message in no time, and knew that THIS is what I was supposed to share. Chapel went great, and I even had the grown adult students singing the Sunday school song by the end.

... I'm working on not letting fear take my light.