What Am I Supposed to Feel?

There are many journal entries and stories written over the past couple weeks that I will post soon, but right now I am currently sitting in the airport in South Africa, on my way back home after 14 weeks away … and I am speechless, and honestly a mess. I am so overwhelmed I can’t quite decide what it is that I am feeling at a given moment and it leaves me numb to what is going on, like the world is going on while I’m at a standstill. I guess I pictured myself feeling different. I didn’t see this coming…

I can’t believe it’s over, just like that! All the kids I have bonded with in both countries, the amazing people I have lived life with from both missions, and the months of “Just Gaby and God time”… it’s over. I am sitting at a really nice airport drinking coffee with Wi-fi and automatic flushing toilets, in a matter of hours the adjustment is already in action… I’m on my way home!

The oddest part about this is that I feel TOTALLY out of place. I am so uncomfortable. My life as I knew it for 3 months is beginning it’s dramatic shift to something so incredibly different. I fear the change in some ways, because I found myself in a different way in Africa. I got to know a completely new side of me, one I really like, and that finally feels right! I was uncomfortable at many times through the trip, but the feeling of knowing I was EXACTLY where God wanted me is a feeling that is truly incomparable. Just when I was getting comfortable with living a totally different way, I’m thrown into another huge change!

There’s beauty in this though, over the course of the last 3 months I have been able to truly see how God uses my uncertainty, my instability, and even my fear to bring so much beauty out of it. I am confident that this is not the end of the good, but another beginning of exciting change! I may not feel it at this moment (I literally feel like I am dreaming), but I have learned just how close God is, just how much He cares, and just how intimately and intricately formed His plans are for my life. I thought I knew that before this trip, but I’m continuing to find out so much more.

I am not sure what I am feeling. I have no idea how to act on it, I  don’t even know what it will be like in 20 minutes, but I know I can put my faith, my hope, and my life in the hands of God, He will make the way clear… regardless of my feelings.

Just some thoughts at the moment…

(As I sit here next to a man who I fear may cough up a lung and blow a hole through his handkerchief and wonder why he chose to sit RIGHT next to me when there are 8 completely open benches at the gate) 

MOVE

I’m in Africa?!! There’s still days I wake up amazed that this is reality. I’ve dreamt of doing something like this, and now it is really happening!! It’s been happening for over 12 weeks actually.

I officially have just 2 weeks left in this beautiful continent. It is so bittersweet. I miss my loved ones at home a crazy amount, and can’t wait to hug my family, sit on my couch with my roommates, and go to dinner somewhere they don’t serve Sadza with my boyfriend!!  But when I think about not waking up in Africa each day, prepared to go out on the mission field and serve in the ways that make my heart explode with joy, it totally bums me out.

I’m so lucky to be given this opportunity, and blessed beyond belief to be able to make it a reality. I don’t forget to thank God each day I wake up here (even though I have had the days I would prefer to be in MY bed with a Starbucks) cause I know this is truly a gift and an experience that is changing my life as we speak. (As I type?)

Physically, this trip has taken me through so many places and experiences. It has taken me through Kenya where I served with CCP in the Kawangware slum for a month. I experienced the people, the culture, new sights, tastes and places. Then to Zimbabwe, where I am serving now alongside ADMT, not too far from Kenya, but a whole new place, new people, new sights and a new culture.

My body has been through it all...  Being crammed in the public transportation vans with at least 20 others. Using a “toilet” that doesn’t actually contain a toilet. Walking for miles and miles through slums and rural areas. Being ATTACKED by mosquitoes and other little creatures. Eating things I never new existed and rejecting them in ways I didn’t know possible by my body.

I have been to schools, to clinics, to community centers, to churches and hundreds of homes. I have been pulled and tugged on from every which way by tons of  beautiful children. My eyes have seen the beauty in a place that so many will never have the opportunity to see. I have worshiped and danced till my legs burn with exhaustion. I have held babies in my arms that have brought me an incredible amount of joy. I have shared hugs and laughter with people I will never forget. I have held hands in prayer with others who have forever changed my life…

Spiritually, my heart has been through even more! I’ve felt passion for the work being done that is greater than any type of passion I’ve ever had. I have been moved in such powerful ways that have brought me to my knees in tears. I have witnessed and felt God clearer than ever before. I have learned to trust Him in EVERYTHING, big or small. I have had the opportunity to be still, and to hear His voice speak.
            My heart has broken with what breaks His, and my soul has rejoiced with what brings Him joy.  I’ve changed the way I pray, and the way I willing seek God’s will for every area of my life. I have experienced the peace that surpasses understanding, the great, unfathomable love that hung on that cross, and the comfort that can only come from the One who knows my every worry and thought.

Spiritually, I have been transformed through the power of prayer, the surrender of my life and the truth that lies in God’s word…

OHHH AFRICA!!!

As you can see this has been a journey of enormous growth in so many ways. And, now that my time away is in it’s final weeks, I find myself reflecting on the question, “What’s next?”… I am wrapping up my time here and then it’s back to America, back to the routine, back to “reality”…

So what am I going to do with this? How will I use this growth, this experience, and this intimacy with God?  How will I express this passion, these feelings, and this transformation which has taken place? ... What's next?

Of course I have this ambition to want to change the entire world once I return. It’s a crazy one, but I love it! I love that I have the passion, the desire, and the “don’t let anything get in the way” type mentality. As I sit here, I have so much confidence in it. I know that God can use this experience for something huge, and I’m completely certain that He is asking me to….

            You know these experiences. The ones that touch our hearts so deep we say we can NEVER forget them. We say they will forever change our lives. We get high on life over the impact they have on us and we are so driven by them…Driven to change. Driven to move forward. Driven to accomplish something incredible. We all have had them!! 

For some it was those experiences that started their organizations, their book, their movement or even their relationship with God. For others, it's a different story (I'm guilty). We can remember those feelings, those emotions, and that drive like it was yesterday. But, as we reflect we realize we let “life” get in the way. We let being “busy” take over. We let “reality” diminish the burning flame that God ignited in us through our experiences.

            It’s not an easy thing to admit, but many can relate... The high school “camp high” that fades with peer pressure and homecoming court. The moving and inspiring church sermon, which gets thrown on the back-burner when problems arise in our homes. The life-changing short term mission trip experience that moves to a memory as summer ends and research papers begin… it happens to us all.

           This is why my prayers now are for my "What's next?"

I know at this point I have a decision to make. I can choose to go home and slip right back into the way of life and the routine day-to day I know best. OR, I can choose to starting moving! I can choose to let this experience change everything through what God has shown me. I can choose to FULFILL His call for my life with boldness and passion.

God has spoken to me clearly, He has moved in me passionately, and He has transformed me spiritually.... AND I WILL MOVE!

          I don't know exactly how it looks yet, but as I spend my last weeks in Africa, I will continue to seek, listen and wait upon the Lord. I will be open, willing and trusting with what He has in store.

          And as I prepare for my return home, I will be filled with passion, with purpose and with every intention to use this experience to fulfill God's will for my life.

         Don't choose to stay still when God is giving you the call to move. 

Take the experiences God gives you and be impacted. 

Be transformed. Be driven. Be passionate. Be willing…

 Then MOVE!!