One Baby Step at a Time

     The last time I wrote was nearly four months ago. I wrote about not letting my experience die. I wrote about keeping this blog going and not letting myself lose the connection my heart had to Africa. It was well written, heartfelt and very inspiring (If I do say so myself)

So, why did it take another 4 months to write ANYTHING????

     It has nothing to do with not "feeling it". Nothing to do with "losing it". Nothing to do with not being "motivated"... In fact it has everything to do with the opposite.

     It has been 5 months since I have been home, almost to the day. It is an understatement to say that I feel it. A laughing matter to say that it is something I could have forgotten or lost sight of. Crazy to say that I am ok with sitting back and watching life go by.

     In fact, I feel it more than ever.
     It lives with me each day.
     And I am totally moved to carry out my mission.

Unfortunately though, the time I have been home has been the hardest span of my life...

      Because I felt it, I didn't want to feel much else. Because I was afraid to lose it, I lost a bit more of everything else each day. Because I was afraid of not staying motivated, I felt more stressed and immobile than ever before. The last 5 months has been some of the most challenging months of my life, and because I couldn't describe it... I haven't written.

     You know how the rest goes...
I decide I can't explain it, I might as well not talk about it.
Since I'm not utilizing the things I need to do to "release" I keep taking on other things to "fill the void"
I take on too much and I'm stressed out
I'm stressed so I am in a bad mood
My bad mood leads to not wanting to do anything
Not wanting to do anything leads to not really wanting to get out of bed in the morning
Not wanting to get out of bed leads to feeling like I am worthless.
Another word to describe that feeling is Depressed...
THEN I pretend I'm ok and the vicious cycle continues.

So what does that lead me to? An unfeeling, unconnected, unmotivated person with the EXACT opposite intentions.

     I haven't fallen off the deep end. I haven't been sitting around waiting for the worst to happen. I haven't been worthless at all, But that's the way I felt.
I still did incredible things, I still was a good person, I still smiled and laughed... It just didn't carry me very far.
I prayed through it, I talked to people about it, and I continued to serve people. I just didn't feel a change within ME.

     Today, for whatever reason as I sat down to watch Grey's Anatomy, God gave me the strength to write. He gave me the sense of peace to type my fingers and release how I have felt. He gave me a sense of freedom at this moment that I can get through this funk with Him by my side...

     I don't know if what I have explained has made sense to anyone else, but it is a MILESTONE for me. Logging in to this blog that has been a click away for 5 months is a milestone. Giving myself a chance to feel, express and move forward is a milestone. Today's freedom from this unexplainable feeling that has been attached to my every movement is milestone.

BUT, from now on... I've decided to take baby steps :)

     I don't know when I will feel depressed again. I don't know when I will write a blog entry again. I'm not sure I will ever make the two worlds I experienced collide.

I do know that God is telling me to trust Him and to take one baby step at a time.

SO until next time,

                 Gaby

What A Song Can Do

This song is one that carries SO MANY emotions for me.

It has always been a favorite of mine, but Africa made it mean even more to me.

It was a song that changed my trip in such a drastic way when I heard it while I was away, and now I can’t keep a dry eye when I hear it at home.

My goal, my mission, and my dream is to live out what this song talks about and I wanted to share it as a reminder, or even a little motivation to live today with such purpose.

My life is a light for Your cause

My will laid aside for Your call

And reserved are the depths of my heart

Only for You

I'm caught in the rhythms of grace

They overcome all of my ways

Realigning each step everyday

To live for Your glory

There's none beside You God

There's none beside You God

You're there in the dark of the night

While holding the sun and it's light

Through the triumph and trials alike

There's no-one beside You

Your voice called the stars by their name

'Cause You whispered them all to their place

To testify to Your wonder and praise

Both now and forever

There's none beside You God

There's none beside You God

I live my life to shine Your light

'Cause there's none beside You God

No eye has seen

No ear has heard

The depths of Your love, Lord

No mind can fathom

The love You deserve

How great You are

Hillsong United- Rhythms of Grace

This song is one of such admiration and adoration of God.

Today my heart sings this song to Him.