My Mission?

It has been 4 weeks since I’ve been home! Time feels like its in fast-forward. If anyone has the key to slowing it down, please let me know!

My trip FLEW by, and now even my time home as been moving in full speed. I have made the decision, commitment, resolution (or whatever you want to call it) to keep this blog going, updating on a weekly basis in order to share more of the incredible amount of things I learned and experienced over my trip, as well as personally keeping myself close to that precious time I was blessed with in Africa.

Many Mission books and devotionals talk about the time after, the “return”, to be the biggest part of the mission. One book I read said, “The real mission starts when you get home.” To be honest I just thought it was some way to pump you up for the return…

Home? Back to constant electricity and running water? THAT is the real part of the mission?

Home. Back to my friends, my loved ones and my iPhone? THAT is supposed to be the hardest part?

It didn’t make sense to me when I was there.

 I understood that it was going to be difficult to get back in the swing of things. I assumed I would miss Africa so much it hurt. However, I never saw it fit to say that the GREATEST MISSION of my mission trip was returning to a place I know, to people I know, a culture and a language I was born into.

BUT… they were right.

HOME. IS. HARD

There is no way to get my point across in words, because it only seems to make sense to me in my own head.

Here’s a shot at it though:

Think about going to the place of your dreams. A place you just KNOW you belong in. In this place you are the person you have always wanted to be. You are freed      from your fears; you are released from any bondage that holds you down. You are bold in this place and each way you turn there is a new experience calling out your name. Imagine this place to have few circumstances or things stealing your attention away from what matters. This place is filled with love and joy, and YOU get to take part in it. A place where God seems to appear to you clear as day… Just imagine.

Sure, you will experience some real trials in this place. You may get lost in order to find yourself in the way you’ve always needed to. You may get a few bumps and bruises in the discovery of the new sights, sounds and encounters you face. You may experience a feeling of deep loneliness or even emptiness in the process of being filled up by God, BUT in this place each hurtle turns into beauty, strength and another reason to have faith…

From August 13^th to November 17^th I experienced “that place”.

I spent one month in Kenya, a place that redefines “HOME” to me. I feel a sense of belonging in Kenya, and my extended time there this year truly showed me the Gaby I long to be… and in Kenya she fits in quite well.

“That place” also took the form of another African country called Zimbabwe. A place of renewal, new found hope, and serious spiritual growth. I saw God clearer, I heard Him louder, and I felt Him more intensely than ever before over the two months in Zimbabwe.

NOW… I am home.

Back to the earthly worries and distractions. Back to a place of constant business and what I like to call “Rich people problems”. Back to the same temptations, trails, and, for lack of a better term, CRAP that stared me in the face before I went to that beautiful place God sent me to.

I long to feel what I felt there. I desire to have that time I got to spend with the Lord. I dream of living the lifestyle where HE is all that matters without so many things trying to tell me different.

It’s a mission in itself, but I am on the road to discovering how to take the person I was in that place and be the woman of God I am called to be here!

Life at home isn’t easy. Life at home doesn’t feel right. Life at home is not life in Africa, but I’m on a mission…

What Am I Supposed to Feel?

There are many journal entries and stories written over the past couple weeks that I will post soon, but right now I am currently sitting in the airport in South Africa, on my way back home after 14 weeks away … and I am speechless, and honestly a mess. I am so overwhelmed I can’t quite decide what it is that I am feeling at a given moment and it leaves me numb to what is going on, like the world is going on while I’m at a standstill. I guess I pictured myself feeling different. I didn’t see this coming…

I can’t believe it’s over, just like that! All the kids I have bonded with in both countries, the amazing people I have lived life with from both missions, and the months of “Just Gaby and God time”… it’s over. I am sitting at a really nice airport drinking coffee with Wi-fi and automatic flushing toilets, in a matter of hours the adjustment is already in action… I’m on my way home!

The oddest part about this is that I feel TOTALLY out of place. I am so uncomfortable. My life as I knew it for 3 months is beginning it’s dramatic shift to something so incredibly different. I fear the change in some ways, because I found myself in a different way in Africa. I got to know a completely new side of me, one I really like, and that finally feels right! I was uncomfortable at many times through the trip, but the feeling of knowing I was EXACTLY where God wanted me is a feeling that is truly incomparable. Just when I was getting comfortable with living a totally different way, I’m thrown into another huge change!

There’s beauty in this though, over the course of the last 3 months I have been able to truly see how God uses my uncertainty, my instability, and even my fear to bring so much beauty out of it. I am confident that this is not the end of the good, but another beginning of exciting change! I may not feel it at this moment (I literally feel like I am dreaming), but I have learned just how close God is, just how much He cares, and just how intimately and intricately formed His plans are for my life. I thought I knew that before this trip, but I’m continuing to find out so much more.

I am not sure what I am feeling. I have no idea how to act on it, I  don’t even know what it will be like in 20 minutes, but I know I can put my faith, my hope, and my life in the hands of God, He will make the way clear… regardless of my feelings.

Just some thoughts at the moment…

(As I sit here next to a man who I fear may cough up a lung and blow a hole through his handkerchief and wonder why he chose to sit RIGHT next to me when there are 8 completely open benches at the gate) 

MOVE

I’m in Africa?!! There’s still days I wake up amazed that this is reality. I’ve dreamt of doing something like this, and now it is really happening!! It’s been happening for over 12 weeks actually.

I officially have just 2 weeks left in this beautiful continent. It is so bittersweet. I miss my loved ones at home a crazy amount, and can’t wait to hug my family, sit on my couch with my roommates, and go to dinner somewhere they don’t serve Sadza with my boyfriend!!  But when I think about not waking up in Africa each day, prepared to go out on the mission field and serve in the ways that make my heart explode with joy, it totally bums me out.

I’m so lucky to be given this opportunity, and blessed beyond belief to be able to make it a reality. I don’t forget to thank God each day I wake up here (even though I have had the days I would prefer to be in MY bed with a Starbucks) cause I know this is truly a gift and an experience that is changing my life as we speak. (As I type?)

Physically, this trip has taken me through so many places and experiences. It has taken me through Kenya where I served with CCP in the Kawangware slum for a month. I experienced the people, the culture, new sights, tastes and places. Then to Zimbabwe, where I am serving now alongside ADMT, not too far from Kenya, but a whole new place, new people, new sights and a new culture.

My body has been through it all...  Being crammed in the public transportation vans with at least 20 others. Using a “toilet” that doesn’t actually contain a toilet. Walking for miles and miles through slums and rural areas. Being ATTACKED by mosquitoes and other little creatures. Eating things I never new existed and rejecting them in ways I didn’t know possible by my body.

I have been to schools, to clinics, to community centers, to churches and hundreds of homes. I have been pulled and tugged on from every which way by tons of  beautiful children. My eyes have seen the beauty in a place that so many will never have the opportunity to see. I have worshiped and danced till my legs burn with exhaustion. I have held babies in my arms that have brought me an incredible amount of joy. I have shared hugs and laughter with people I will never forget. I have held hands in prayer with others who have forever changed my life…

Spiritually, my heart has been through even more! I’ve felt passion for the work being done that is greater than any type of passion I’ve ever had. I have been moved in such powerful ways that have brought me to my knees in tears. I have witnessed and felt God clearer than ever before. I have learned to trust Him in EVERYTHING, big or small. I have had the opportunity to be still, and to hear His voice speak.
            My heart has broken with what breaks His, and my soul has rejoiced with what brings Him joy.  I’ve changed the way I pray, and the way I willing seek God’s will for every area of my life. I have experienced the peace that surpasses understanding, the great, unfathomable love that hung on that cross, and the comfort that can only come from the One who knows my every worry and thought.

Spiritually, I have been transformed through the power of prayer, the surrender of my life and the truth that lies in God’s word…

OHHH AFRICA!!!

As you can see this has been a journey of enormous growth in so many ways. And, now that my time away is in it’s final weeks, I find myself reflecting on the question, “What’s next?”… I am wrapping up my time here and then it’s back to America, back to the routine, back to “reality”…

So what am I going to do with this? How will I use this growth, this experience, and this intimacy with God?  How will I express this passion, these feelings, and this transformation which has taken place? ... What's next?

Of course I have this ambition to want to change the entire world once I return. It’s a crazy one, but I love it! I love that I have the passion, the desire, and the “don’t let anything get in the way” type mentality. As I sit here, I have so much confidence in it. I know that God can use this experience for something huge, and I’m completely certain that He is asking me to….

            You know these experiences. The ones that touch our hearts so deep we say we can NEVER forget them. We say they will forever change our lives. We get high on life over the impact they have on us and we are so driven by them…Driven to change. Driven to move forward. Driven to accomplish something incredible. We all have had them!! 

For some it was those experiences that started their organizations, their book, their movement or even their relationship with God. For others, it's a different story (I'm guilty). We can remember those feelings, those emotions, and that drive like it was yesterday. But, as we reflect we realize we let “life” get in the way. We let being “busy” take over. We let “reality” diminish the burning flame that God ignited in us through our experiences.

            It’s not an easy thing to admit, but many can relate... The high school “camp high” that fades with peer pressure and homecoming court. The moving and inspiring church sermon, which gets thrown on the back-burner when problems arise in our homes. The life-changing short term mission trip experience that moves to a memory as summer ends and research papers begin… it happens to us all.

           This is why my prayers now are for my "What's next?"

I know at this point I have a decision to make. I can choose to go home and slip right back into the way of life and the routine day-to day I know best. OR, I can choose to starting moving! I can choose to let this experience change everything through what God has shown me. I can choose to FULFILL His call for my life with boldness and passion.

God has spoken to me clearly, He has moved in me passionately, and He has transformed me spiritually.... AND I WILL MOVE!

          I don't know exactly how it looks yet, but as I spend my last weeks in Africa, I will continue to seek, listen and wait upon the Lord. I will be open, willing and trusting with what He has in store.

          And as I prepare for my return home, I will be filled with passion, with purpose and with every intention to use this experience to fulfill God's will for my life.

         Don't choose to stay still when God is giving you the call to move. 

Take the experiences God gives you and be impacted. 

Be transformed. Be driven. Be passionate. Be willing…

 Then MOVE!!

Special!

** I wrote this entry exactly 2 weeks ago, just minutes before I left for the village. I didn't have  proper Internet connection at the time to send it, but better late then never right?**

     I am currently sitting in my room here in Harare, preparing to take off for the next week back to the village of Mhondoro. I have my bags packed, my camera charged, and my craft supplies ready. I'm writing now, because I can't seem to contain what I am feeling as I am about to leave. I'm so excited to be back in the village! I have planned a lesson for the kids of Marigumura Primary School and in preparing for it, my heart is being transformed! (Seems to be a trend)

     My teaching topic for the week is, "Created eSpecially for God"... It may sound a bit on the cheesy- Sunday School side, but this is what God has put on my heart to share with these kids. We will be focusing on scripture such as Psalm139 and Ephesians 2:10. Teaching them that THEY were made for such a promising purpose. They were formed to live a life filled with an incredible amount of hope and love from our God. That they are all different, set apart, and unique, because God made them that way. He has a plan for each of their lives, and He makes NO mistakes. THEY are God's handiwork, the same God who created the Heavens and the Earth created them without flaw or imperfection... How amazing is that!

     As I plan activities such as looking at the difference in each of our fingerprints, and ways to see how our unique traits and features can be used for God's glory, it sparks intense emotions inside of my heart...

     I have a HUGE passion for children. I see so much beauty in children, and ultimately I see God the most through the face of a child. I have been surrounded by so many children throughout this trip, and each one I meet is SO special to me! But, I think remembering through this lesson how special they are to God makes me even more passionate to be with them and teaching them.
They were formed with such detail and intricate design. They were brought into this world with more purpose than I can fathom, to accomplish things so great that I will never be able to understand. They will be used to continue to transform lives for God's kingdom, as they already have mine. How blessed I am to be able to speak into their lives this week...

     These kids may lack money, they make lack the proper amount of food per day, but they don't lack purpose! They don't lack promise! They don't lack the ability to change this world! They are PERFECT in the eyes of God, and they are so darn special. They were fearfully and wonderfully made, and each one so different than the next. Each one was knit together in their mother's womb. Each one has works prepared in advance. Each one a beautiful result of God's amazing craftsmanship.

     I'm heading out to tell these children how important, how special, and how incredibly loved they are by God, and I'm STOKED!


Remember today the child of God YOU are. Remember that you were created for a purpose... YOU, the way you are! He took time to design and equip you with the exact tools you need to fulfill the purpose He has for your life... and it's a beautiful one. YOU are his handiwork, and YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made!


Psalm 139:14 " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

** My time in the village and at the school was incredible! The lesson went so well, and it was an experience I will never forget, because in turn I learned so much from these beautiful children. I grew more passionate about the work of the Lord and the works He has prepared for me along the way... Check out the pictures from our craft together :)**

Is Your Light Shining?

Matthew5: 14-16

“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it gives light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I’ve heard this scripture multiple times. I’ve learned lessons on it, even remember a Sunday School song that goes along with it, and especially being involved with the mission field, this is a common scripture that has come up. I read it before leaving for Africa last year and even again in the “getting prepared” stages of my trip this year… Wednesday evening I have Bible study here in Zimbabwe with a group from the church. The topic this week was on this familiar Matthew 5 passage. We read discussed and shared about the verses, it was good, and similar to things I’ve heard before. However, as I tried to go to sleep that night I was kept up thinking about this scripture. I’ve heard it a hundred times. I’ve memorized the verses. But, that particular night it had such a different effect on me. I REALLY thought about it. I REALLY took the time to reflect on it. I REALLY let it change my whole perspective.

The question I was left with after reflecting on this passage was, “Is my light shining?” Not flickering. Not just lit while I serve at church. Not dim, doing the bare minimum to say there is a flame there… Is it SHINING?

In the scripture a candle is used as comparison. I’ve had a lot of experience with candles while I’ve been in Africa, due to the unpredictable, lack of electricity situation. Do you realize how much light a single candle can give off? (Go turn all the lights off in your house and light a tall candle) I find the candle in my room here is better than the flashlight I packed. The flashlight is bright, sure, but only where I am pointing it. The candle sits in the corner of my room and gives light to the entire space…     Is that ME? Is my faith radiating throughout, able to bring light to all that is around me? What if I'm faced with persecution around me? What if I’m completely unfamiliar with what is around me? What if where I am isn’t safe or comfortable? Is my light still shining? What about when I’m tired? Upset? In pain? Is my faith radiating? A candle which is not lit is useless. A candle flickering in and out is hard to rely on. A dim flame is not very effective. A candle is meant to shine bright...

Do you realize how big of a responsibility the Lord is giving us here? Do you also realize that He wouldn’t put this task in front of us if we weren’t capable of doing it? We are capable of doing so much for the kingdom of God, simply by letting our faith shine bright in all we are doing, to everyone around us. To some, we may be the only real representation of Jesus they see, we don't want to take the chance of being dim or without flame as we pass those people. Your life as well as mine is capable of doing so much! The way you shine at home, reflects the way your children see the Lord. The way you shine at work, can speak into the life of a lost co-worker. The way you shine as you go about your day, could change the life of a complete stranger. The way you shine on the mission field could change something around the world...

With that said, we need to recognize that things will come in and try to extinguish our flame. For me, it is fear… Fear that I am not good enough, old enough, or wise enough to make a difference. It could be pain, bitterness, temptations, unbearable weight from our pasts, addictions, etc. There is an enemy constantly trying to put out our lights through these things. Let us pray against them constantly and stand firm when the enemy creeps in with such burdens. Let us give NO THING a chance to dim our lights. We are to be bold in our faith, without shame. Courageous, without fear. Willing to put ourselves out there, for the glory of God.. and then let's see how He will shine through us.

All of this to say, as Christians, we are called to live lives that are testimonies of who God is to the world around us. We are capable of changing the world through how we live our lives in faith. We can be great examples of Christ's love, grace and mercy. If we allow our lights to shine, God will use us in MIGHTY ways… I'm confident in that!

 Is your light shining?

Thursday morning I was asked to speak at the Zimbabwe Christian College chapel. We’re talking a school full of soon to be pastors, ALL older than me. I wasn’t the calmest version of myself  preparing for it. I had tried to prepare a short message all week. I was set on speaking on a topic from one of the books I am reading, and I just had to add a final point to finish it off Wednesday night. I couldn’t come up with ONE WORD as I sat in front of my computer trying to finish. I prayed and asked God to just give me the words, “It is the night before, give me something!” What I felt was Matthew 5. “No, I can’t re-do what I have already planned,” it was 11 pm! But after staring at my computer getting nowhere, I decided to write a few notes about what I  just learned that night  from Matthew 5:14-16. I ended up typing a short encouraging message in no time, and knew that THIS is what I was supposed to share. Chapel went great, and I even had the grown adult students singing the Sunday school song by the end.

... I'm working on not letting fear take my light.

Oh the Things I've Learned!

I know I start every blog the same, but WOW I wish I could really explain every thing that goes on in my life here in Zimbabwe. It just isn't possible, but these weekly updates will give you at least something...
      The last few entries have been intense and full of the serious and impacting experiences I've had and the ways I continue to grow. They are all amazing, but I decided to step away from the seriousness this time and share with you all the other things I am learning here. Each day is full of adaptation to the culture, I am full of questions and the ADMT staff does a great job putting up with them all! I spent this last week in Harare at ADMT and working with the local schools, projects and people. The title I could give this week would be, "How to be a Zimbo."
     I was focused on what tasks I needed to accomplished to be considered a Zimbabwean. I tried my Shona out, I wore my African attire, and I asked most people I came in contact with for tips or advice in becoming a Zimbo woman. I was totally laughed at and definitely a source of entertainment to the people, but I can honestly say I am getting there...
     A part of my work this week was visiting the homes of church members here at Eastside Christian Church. Denford, the missionary, is the pastor and church is held in the home that I stay in. I've gotten to know the church members pretty well over the last 2 weeks and it was awesome to visit some of their homes and to pray with them. With each home, I learned new ways to achieve my goal of becoming a true Zimbabwean. I was served Zimbabwean dishes, learned Zimbabwean traditions, and before I left made sure that I got my tip for the day... It was a blast! The people are incredibly welcoming, and seemed to really enjoy my efforts.

So... Here's what I walked away with at the end of week 2:

I now am able to prepare the staple food here in Zimbabwe called, Sadza. It is prepared daily in the homes, and a definite must for a woman to know how to cook.

I have mastered the art of towel wrapping a baby to my back. You don't go a few minutes without seeing a momma with her baby on her back. It is the way that they are able to get things done while carrying for their children. In my opinion it's seriously practical and my kids will be partaking in this one in the future...

I know how to properly wrap a scarf on my head, Zimbabwean style. I think I look like a joke, but I gotta do what I gotta do...

I have fetched water from a well and carried it back on my head. Yes, I still use my hands, but I'm getting there...

I learned how to plant cabbage and ground nuts. I've done my share of gardening, but it's different here and I'm getting it down...

I've become professional at bucket bathing, because of the lack of running water I shower daily with a bucket of hot water. I am taken care of by the staff here who heats the water for me, but I am now capable of getting my own water and showering like a champ (still figuring out the shaving thing, let's just say it's good that I wear long skirts that hide my legs everyday)

I have many things lined up for me to learn: Making peanut butter, collecting firewood, washing clothes, and many more, but I feel pretty accomplished so far.

As you can see, there's a lot of growth here, not only in the spiritual sense, but in the practical ways of being a true Zimbo. Pretty soon I'll have it all down, but until then I'll keep you posted :)

Transforming

           It’s been a while without Internet connection, so my updates are few. I’m safe in Zimbabwe, and my first week is already over. It has been an awesome, intense, different, crazy and incredible experience thus far. I have wasted no time since I’ve landed and have been experiencing so many new things. I’m adapting to a brand new culture, a brand new place, brand new people, and a brand new plan for the next 9 weeks.

My first day was spent getting to know my new home and my new family here with ADMT. I attended church, and met everyone that will soon be such familiar friends. I met with the ladies Bible study, hung out with the youth group, made friends with the kids around, and connected with Pastor Denford and his amazing family. It was such a rush of emotions to be in this new place worshipping God with these people SO PASSIONATELY and having no idea of what was to come of the next 2 months.

The next day, I was sent to the village of Mhondoro… again, with no clue of what to expect. There I met my host family for the week, Pastor Lameck, his wife Patience, and their two adorable children! The week in Mhondoro was all sorts of incredible. Incredibly impacting to see the projects that our CCV teams have accomplished before me. Incredibly encouraging to meet so many amazing people who were thrilled about my arrival. Incredibly hard to get used to yet a new place alone, this one without electricity or running water. Incredibly life changing to be able to laugh, play and interact with the beautiful children in the schools. Incredibly mindboggling to sit back and watch the Zimbabwean sunset and think, “Am I really here?!”… so I think it’s safe to say “incredible” is the word for the week.            

My week in Mhondoro ended early on Friday however, I was picked up a day short because I had spent the night throwing up with a fever… this is when I was hit with a whole other wave of emotions. I was doing ok with adjusting to the newness alone. I had moments of fear and loneliness, but I was doing fine. When you add being sick to being away from home and loved ones, it hurts on a completely different level. I was in so much pain, physically sure, but the pain of being so far away from home was the hardest to bear. I was filled with fear, doubt, loneliness and uncertainty… I wanted to be home with my family and loved ones rubbing my back and bringing me 7-up. I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t want to be sick!

I was picked up and taken back to my home in Harare. My body was forcing me to lie down and rest for the next 2 days. With my rest came so much learning, so much time to hear God, the opportunity to finally start processing this crazy adventure of life, and to be STILL. I won’t lie none of it was easy. I didn’t want to lay alone and do nothing, I wanted to be back out working on something, or playing with kids. I didn’t want to process, because I didn’t know where to start. And, I didn’t want to be still, cause that’s when my heart starts breaking… but its what I was forced to do. I realize now how God used that sickness. I wept out all the lies, the fears and the doubts that filled my head. I spent the time journaling, processing and facing the emotions that ran crazy through my heart. I cried out SO DESPERATELY for help, guidance, and relief from God to enter my weak and sad body, and I felt him clearer than ever! I read, prayed and reflected more in one sitting than I have in weeks combined. I FINALLY dealt with issues I have ignored, put off and never fully gave to God before.

It was incredible, so hard, but incredible! I sit here on Monday after a weekend full of transformation. I still have a long way to go, but the freedom I feel from letting God in, and I mean TRULY letting him in is beyond words. I am learning things I could never learn without being isolated and alone. I’m experiencing Him in ways I never could if I wasn’t in a new and unfamiliar place. I’m allowing Him to completely change my life, because I’m letting Him break me down.

This life is such a beautiful gift. It may not always be wrapped with a shiny bow, but it is an amazing journey filled with ways to constantly be pulled closer to God. In the book I’m reading, Walking with God, the author put it this way:

“…Whatever you may be going through in your life, God ALWAYS has his eye on your transformation…”

I am continuing to learn how to give every last bit of myself to God, to let Him have all the control, because he’s always working on something…

He’s transforming!

Now with full health, full strength and a free heart full of excitement I start my second week of incredible transformation… let’s see what it has in store.

Goodbye Kenya, Hello Zimbabwe

          I honestly can’t believe that my time in Kenya is officially over. I am writing this on the plane to Zimbabwe, and each time I picture the faces of my kids, the times spent with the staff or the home I made at the Behr’s I get a huge knot in my throat. I knew it was going to be hard, but I never imagined it to be this hard. I have built such amazing relationships over the past month and it breaks my heart to leave these loved ones behind.  I flash back to my times in the homes of the incredible people in the Kawangware slums, my times in the community center bonding with the youth at VBS, the moments of pure joy as I was attacked by the love of the kids in the kindergarten program… It hurts to think about being away from it all.  I left a piece of my heart back in Kenya, and I am blessed to have them hold it for me until I return again.

I could fill a book with all the things I have learned thus far. I wish I could explain it ALL to you here, but there is something about an experience this powerful that leaves me without the right words to really do it justice. A part of me is frustrated because of that, but then a part of me loves that this experience is MINE, for no one to understand it the way God has brought me to understand.

I have never felt more certain of a decision I’ve made. It was one that was scary and took a ton of faith and trust to make, but the Lord has shown me in so many ways that this trip has been in His plan for me far beyond my knowledge of it.

            Now I fly away and head to the next part of His plan for my life… Zimbabwe. Another HUGE step in faith for me. I don’t know the people, the place, the ministry or the culture. I have been sent, and I’m going. I don’t doubt that there will be moments of uncertainty and feeling uncomfortable, even moments of loneliness, but here’s what won’t change… I am on my way, and I have faith that my God will provide in the ways I long for. He will comfort in the ways I hurt for, He will guide in the ways that I search for. He is GOD and my life is in HIS hands. His plans for me are prosperous, and if I love Him, He will work all things together for my good.

Until next time Kenya… Here I come Zimbabwe!!!

Comfortably Uncomfortable

I can’t say this experience is “comfortable” at all. I am alone in a completely different culture halfway around the world. I’ve left friends, family, a boyfriend and the comfort of my home behind for 3 months. I am walking amongst poverty in a rough, slum setting each day without others in my position to relate to. I am seeing things completely foreign to my heart and my mind. I stick out like a sore thumb and never go without being noticed or approached (in some great ways, and in other not so great ways). The things I am eating, my body decides it won’t keep, and I speak all of 10 words in the native language. Each night I go to bed in someone else’s home, and wake up without a clue of what I’ll be doing each day. The word “comfortable” just isn’t a word to describe what I’m doing.

But, here’s what I am continuing to learn from Kenya. I LOVE being uncomfortable, I LOVE having no control or understanding of what’s to come each day, and I LOVE being away from everything I know and everyone I’m used to.

Because, with discomfort comes learning and growing in immeasurable ways; ways that would never be possible if i stayed within my comfortable limits.With uncertainty comes the ability to live each day full of hope, letting go of all control and trusting God with each step I take. With isolation comes a clinging to God that brings a comfort that exceeds any type of comfort I could experience from this world. Being in a new place, brings experiences of a lifetime and moments that open my eyes in completely new ways. Without my loved ones, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have them and I am given the opportunity to build more incredible relationships across the world.

            I definitely have my moments, and I'm not saying that this is easy, but when I look at what the difficult and unfamiliar times have brought me over the past few weeks, I am reminded of how important it is to be uncomfortable. 

            Our lives are our gifts, and each day should be treated like one. We can't hold on to what we have been given and contain it in our own little comfortable boxes. Life is about moving forward, taking risks, sacrifices and leaps of faith, learning as you go and thanking God for another day to continue to use this gift to the best of our abilities. I am learning to live this life like it is completely undeserved, following God where He leads me, beyond what "comfort" allows.

To put it simply, I’m comfortably uncomfortable!

                      

          

                                        

Simon!

          Those of you who were part of my Kenya experience last year know ALL about Simon. Simon is a little boy who stole my heart in 2 minutes. Last year during home visits I followed a social worker named Freshia into the home of a sweet 5-year-old boy. He was shy, but had a smile that could stop anyone in their tracks. I heard his story about how he was left an orphan, and bonded with his guardian who fed me my favorite Kenyan dish. Since the moment I stepped into Simons home that day I knew it was different than any home visit I’d done before. He was new in the program and he needed to be sponsored still. I had been praying about sponsoring a child and asking God to show me which one… He brought me to Simon!

            I went back to Simon’s home the next day to tell the family that I had decided to be his sponsor, and the joy in that moment is a memory forever planted in my heart. Since that day, Simon became my little shadow… He was attached to me the entire remaining time of my trip. He said few words the whole time, but loved on me constantly and flashed that beautiful smile nonstop.

            Getting to see my Simon again was one of the most anticipated parts of my trip this year. We’ve communicated through letters, support and pictures over the past year, and when the time finally came to see him again, I was ecstatic! I brought Kristin with me and we walked down my favorite road in Kawangware. We turned the corner to his home, and there was Simon, washing his face in a basin of water outside. I called his name and he looked up. Still no words, but there was that smile… this time missing some teeth! He was hesitant at first, but the next thing I knew he was sitting on my lap squeezing my arms tighter to him. My Simon! His guardian remembered me joyfully and we spent a few minutes hearing the latest family news and Simon’s progress in the last year. It wasn’t much, but to me the moment was perfect!

            I have been able to see Simon several times since that visit in the past 3 weeks. I was able to take him shopping to buy him new clothes, shoes and food supplies. The entire time we walked, he wrapped his little arm around my waste and never left my side. I've continued to visit his home every couple days, and with each visit I grow closer to his family and the love of that little boy. He holds to me tightly while I chat with his guardian and as I leave, he grabs my hand and walks me out as far as he is allowed. I can’t get enough of my time with him, and am blessed each time I am given the opportunity to squeeze him tight and experience his unforgettable grin.

            This week will be my last full week working with CCP. I can’t believe it will be nearly a month of being in this amazing place, and I hate the thought of leaving it all. However, my last week will be spent working in the newly added CCP kindergarten class, with none other than… my Simon!

I know it is no coincidence that this opportunity came up while I am here this year, and I am overwhelmed by God’s hand in this entire experience. I will live each last day to my fullest potential, striving to give the glory to God in every moment… side by side with that shy, sweet little boy who has forever changed my life!

                                                         I am so blessed!

          

                                                        

Intense

 It has been a while since I’ve had a chance to blog. I wish I could have someone just following me around everyday recording everything that happens. So much has been happening and I wish I could share it all!! I’ll do my best to keep you posted with limited Internet and an endless amount of experiences.

Today marks 3 weeks away. It has been 3 weeks since I left my home and my loved ones. I can’t believe how fast the time flies. I had an incredible experience with the team for the first two weeks, and I won’t lie, it was tough watching them leave. Now, I have reached the end of my first week of being here alone, working with Chosen Children of Promise and living with the Behr family. So much has happened in the past week, and I find it frustrating as I write this, because my emotions and experiences are too difficult to describe in words.

The only word that comes to mind as I reflect on the past week is…Intense! I have reached the point where I am no longer just a visitor on a trip, but involved and living amongst the day-to-day lives of these people in Kawangware.

This week I have spent each day in the heart of the slum working with the CCP social workers. I’ve walked about 10 miles, visited over 30 homes, and interacted with each family. We visited with the guardians and the children to share life and check up on their home situations, health, education and spiritual lives. Over the past 2 years I’ve grown to know and build relationships with so many of these children, and it is such a different experience away from the community center and actually present through their everyday lives at home. It is one thing to know a joyful, energetic child at VBS and another to know how they live in one room with their 8 family members and struggle to eat each day. I can’t quite explain the feeling, but it isn’t an easy one. The kids were beyond excited to see me walk into their homes though, and holding them in my arms while they clung to me tightly with huge smiles across their faces is another indescribable feeling!

There have been so many amazing moments in each day. I’ve been filled up by the joy of the children. I’ve been inspired by the faith of many welcoming, generous and lovable guardians. I’ve been overwhelmed by the kind, servant hearts of the staff I work with. I’ve been transformed after witnessing the way many live their lives simply for the Lord, and I’ve been left in AWE by the way my God has worked in and through each experience.

On the other hand, there have been some extremely difficult moments. Each day has been filled with heartbreaking sights. I’ve heard so many stories of abandonment, death, and diseases in each home. I’ve seen children living in hunger, and parents striving for funds to provide for their families day to day. I’ve prayed with widows and orphans who are dealing with the pains of lonesomeness and loss, and after a while this stuff takes a crazy toll on my heart and emotions.

As I reflect on the week, I see how it has been some of the most amazing and hardest moments of my life. But here is what else I see... My emotions can be everywhere, my body can be tired, and my heart may ache, but I find that I am left with a peace that transcends my understanding. I am filled with hope for what is to come tomorrow. I grow more in love with this place and the people daily, and I have faith stronger than ever before because I believe in a God bigger than any poverty, pain, disease or longing.

It may be intense, but it is the exactly where I am supposed to be, and I will take each moment, the easy and the difficult, and let God continue to work through them in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. 

Mungu Ni Mwema

 About a week into my trip with the CCV team we were able to prepare food bags to take out into the community. We got to the community center in the morning and filled about 200 bags with common food and necessities. We created an assembly line to add beans, corn maze, cooking fat, and soap to each one. The money we had raised as a church made this event possible, and it was more than rewarding.

            We were able to return to some of the homes we visited on the prayer walk the very first day. It was an incredible feeling to know how valuable these bags were to the people of the community. We knew that these bags full of small amounts of basic foods would mean the difference between eating and going hungry for some. I love my perspective here. If we were home and received a bag of beans and soap it wouldn’t be much of value at all, in fact we probably pour that amount of food into the trash after a meal, but in Kawangware, that bag is GOLD, and we felt it!

            We gathered the youth with us and went out in the slum with the bags. The first house we went to was a single mom with 3 kids. We had stopped by her home to pray the week before and she was glowing with appreciation, so I was stoked to return with this surprise bag of food. She alone has to provide for the family of 4 and her husband left her with only 2,000 shillings in February (a little less than $20 for six months), before he left upcountry. She talked about how she has trouble finding work with small children, and how she often can’t provide meals for them. It killed me when she said she locks her kids in the house with her around meal times so they don’t see the neighbors eating. You can imagine the glow on her face when she looked inside that bag. She was speechless for a moment, but her face lit up in a smile I will never forget. “Asanti, Asanti, Asanti” she kept saying (Thank you, thank you, thank you) I can’t put into words the feeling I had as I watched her show the food to her children. This moment captured the beauty of life, giving joyfully and being grateful for the simple things in life. It’s hard to escape it here in Kenya, that’s why I can’t get enough.

     As we talked with this woman and returned to other homes near by I noticed another momma following us around. She was on the verge of tears and she was holding a young child who was glazed over with sickness. We walked over to her but we had already given out the bags we brought. However, she wasn’t interested in the bags. She heard we were praying for people, and she needed prayer. She invited us into her home and let us take the 2 seats, while she sat on a water basin. She told us that her baby had been sick for 3 months, and doctors aren’t able to find out why. He couldn’t be more than 9 months old and he clung to his mom. He was in so much pain to the extent that if you even moved him a certain way he screamed in pain. He wasn’t eating, and she was scared. She recently became a single mother when her husband went missing, and has no family nearby to help her. Her baby is her life, and tears streamed down her face as she told us how hard it is. We encouraged her to keep praying and to remember the comfort of God’s promise as my heart literally broke in half for her. We prayed together and she told us that she praises God for what she has, and what we did for her. She believes no less in the Lord given the rough time, and she taught me more than she knows. We were able to go back and grab an extra bag of food for her. She cried again as she glanced inside and she proceeded to say, "Mungu ni Mwema" multiple times which in Swahili means “God is Good”. She has a very ill baby with no idea how to treat him, no husband or family to turn to, and no money because she sacrifices work to take care of her baby. All she could say was God is good! I know I constantly talk about the faith of these people, but I’m still in AWE.

            Here’s the thing though… God IS good. He IS perfect, all-knowing, and all loving. What I’m learning most from these amazing people is that that truth can’t ever change. No matter what you have or don’t have doesn’t change who God is. He is GOOD and he has a plan for our lives and it is a GOOD plan filled with hope. He doesn’t give us things we can’t handle and He has a place set aside for us after this flawed earthly life ends, and it is GOOD too. He doesn’t change with circumstances, emotions, or struggles. He is God, and MUNGU NI MWEMA!

       

Faith

   The first day in the Slums we went on a prayer walk. We walked in teams through the community and prayed for the people, churches and businesses as we passed. The 5-mile walk I thought would be thigh-burning long turned out to fly by. It was the most intense, incredible, and impacting walk I’ve ever taken. We were submerged into the culture. With every step we had a purpose, with every wave and smile we were part of a plan, and with each prayer prayed God was before us. No glance, touch or word spoke was a coincidence. That’s the way I saw it. It was no meaningless walk, and it wasn’t just a way to our destination with a few prayers thrown in. I soon realized this when our first stop was at a church we passed by in the slum.

The wife of the church pastor greeted us. In broken English and some Swahili, she told us the unfortunate story of two boys who they just heard had past away in a drowning accident. The families of the children were just arriving at the church for more news. Without hesitation or any time for the few of us to really process it, the CCP staff member we were with gathered the church leaders and the families and said, “Gaby, pray for the boys.”  So I did. Holding the hands of two of my team members and a group of mourning Kenyans. We never knew these boys, we had just met these people, and here we were embracing them with prayers and condolences. . It was intense, but a powerful way to start this walk with so much purpose. God placed us at the perfect time to be there for those people just as they were needing prayer.

We continued walking, and heard about sick children, starving families, and emotional scaring. With each story was a beautiful person living in it, so as we walked…we prayed. Soon, we made it to a home up some loose wooden stairs. We ducked under laundry and stepped over trash until we reached to top.

The curtain door separated us from one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She welcomed us in her home and insisted we “Sit, sit, sit”.  So we did. We sat on her mattress that lay on the floor, taking up nearly 90% of her home. Then, this beautiful dark skinned woman started to talk and share her story. She is a refugee in Kenya and she proceeded to tell us how her dark skin saved her life.

She came from a mixed race family. Her mother was African from Sudan, and her father an Arab. Her mother had already passed, but the rest of her family was light colored, and God gave her BLACK skin. During a war that broke out in Sudan there was a sort of  “Racial cleansing”. This young girl at the time was forced to watch as enemy soldiers killed her entire family leaving her alone and orphaned. From there she talked about being taken to barracks in Uganda where she was rapped and abused. She was nearly killed in another attack in Uganda where she painted the picture of the experience she had being totally buried under people who had fallen on top of her after being killed. She was found buried alive under the dead people covered in blood, and she then escaped with soldiers to Kenya where she stays alone in that small house in Kawangware.

She has a mattress, a small coal burning stove and her Bible, which was in pieces because of how worn it was. She told us about how memories of what she had been through haunt her dreams and thoughts every day. She was the ONLY one that had survived, and she believes through it all that there is a purpose she is still alive. She spoke profound and wise words about scripture and God's love and purpose.

We asked how old she was, and my stomach turned when I heard her say, “Sixteen”. All of that in the short life of a sixteen year old? Orphaned, abused, abandoned, and alone… You’re only SIXTEEN?! I was in shock, you sit here and believe there is hope in the end, and that there was a reason God allowed you to live as everyone around you died… and you are only sixteen?! My thoughts and emotions went so many places as I tried to process this poor girls life.

Did I mention that this strong, hopeful, beautiful girl was named FAITH? And that is exactly what she had. She is still healing and very scared, but her faith is what keeps her going, and what has through her brutal life. We encouraged this beautiful Faith and prayed before we had to continue on. She smiled for some pictures and thanked us with so much gratitude for visiting and praying with her.

After we left we wanted to curl up and cry for this poor young woman, yet at the same time we were so uplifted by the way she lives her precious and beautiful life. Saying we were left broken is an understatement. Feeling the ache with each word she said is indescribable, but walking away completely inspired by Faith’s faith was totally LIFE CHANGING!

She changed my perspective on everything. No circumstance, suffering, or fight for her life was more powerful than her faith. She knows God has a plan, and she is living her life as each day is a gift, waiting to see what He has for her next...

I want the faith of Faith!

       

Soon after this first visit we were able to return to her home with some food and more prayers. She informed us that she was accepted into a refugee camp in the States, and hopes to be on her way as soon as September. We are unsure where yet, but pray that Faith can attain this dream and continue to change lives in America. 

Slum Sweet Home

Well, it's here. I am currently sitting in the guest house in Nairobi, Kenya at the start of my incredible journey. For most of you who know me, you know about the impact Kenya had on my life last summer and you've probably been forced to sit down and look at the thousands of pictures I took. I could not put into words the experience I had, it was simply indescribable. God transformed my life and I feel my faith has been growing ever since I met Him so evidently in Africa. I was challenged, pushed out of my comfort zone and unsure about what to expect each day. But, through it I learned so much about myself and Christ. About how much I am capable of doing with Him, and how to put my trust fully in Him. I experienced true peace for the first time. I witnessed true joy like never before. I felt, heard, and saw God clearer than any other moment of my life... It was INCREDIBLE!

   And now I'm back! I get to experience God back in that slum. I get to spend time with the children who's joy and faith transformed my life, and I get the opportunity to grow even more as God works through me this time. I am here, I took that familiar walk up the big hill covered in trash and debri to the big blue gate where children wait to greet us. I drove in the familiar van that seems to be a magnet to the children as you drive by and they follow screaming, "how are you?" "how are you?" I exchanged hugs galore with the staff who's heart of service changed my perspective. I heard my name as I was recognized by the children... I'M BACK!!! 

  In three days we've done so many things already. We have walked miles through the slum and prayed with the communities. We've played new kenyan games and learned new swahili phrases. I have hugged new faces and exchanged dance moves and jokes with others. I have embraced familiar, sweet faces and reminisced on fun memories. We've heard tragic stories and heartbreaking situations. We've seen lives change and salvation declarations... Did i mention I'M BACK!?

  I feel right at home. I don't fear, or hesitate... I love this place! 

For the next 4 weeks this IS home. My team will be leaving the 26th and until Mid-September Nairobi, Kenya is home, these people are my family, this culture is mine.I'm ready! 

  I will work on sharing specific stories and posting a few pictures in the next few days, but we aren't getting long periods on the internet connection. 

Stay tuned :)

Africa 2011

Lord I want to feel your heart
and see the world through your eyes
I want to be your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads

Ready yourselves
Ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night

Ready yourselves
Ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise

Until the whole world hears Lord we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
as the day draws near
we'll sing until the whole world hears


 - Casting Crowns